Best Laid Plans
by golden starfish
Summary: McKay and Sheppard stuck in a wooden shipping crate...
1. Best Laid Plans

**Spoilers:** Minor one for "Intruder"  
**Paring:** None  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own Stargate Atlantis or any of the characters  
**Author's notes:** Thank you to my beta, imskysmom, all remaining mistakes are mine. Also thanks to Tan. This fic is dedicated to Linda ;-) It's all her fault, honest.

This fic is set at some point after "Intruder" but before "Trinity"

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Best Laid Plans **

They heard the door open and someone entered the storeroom. McKay checked his watch, right on schedule; they waited for the door to close and the footsteps to head towards the furthest corner of the store room.

"All set?" whispered Sheppard. He and McKay were crouched side by side inside a shipping crate from the recent trip back to Earth.

"Wait for it, the lights will go out in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1."

Right on cue there was girlish squeal from the person in the storeroom. Inside the crate, McKay and Sheppard were smirking; ready to get their long overdue revenge on Kavanagh for reporting their contraband alcohol.

"Now?" whispered Sheppard.

"Go!" came McKay's taut reply.

Both men simultaneously leapt up, ready to knock off the lid of the crate and scare an unsuspecting Kavanagh.

Instead of a sweet revenge, there were two loud thumps.

"OW!" exclaimed McKay who immediately started rubbing his head which he had banged against the lid of the crate.

"Ow all right," said a breathless Sheppard, who had obviously done the same.

"Best laid plans, Colonel?"

"The lid wasn't nailed on! We should be able to just, lift it off."

"It's not looking that way, is it?" said McKay, with a withering look which Sheppard was fortunately unable to see, although he still imagined it in his mind.

"Okay, let's try again."

Both men put their hands above their heads and pushed against the lid as hard as they could from their hunched positions.

"It's not moving."

"I know," hissed Sheppard.

"How much air is there in here?"

"Enough, McKay, we won't be in here long we just have to call Zelen-"

"You forget we took our headsets off so we 'would be out of radio contact.' Nobody apart from Radek was meant to know we were here, so how can they possibly find us?"

"What about Kavanagh?"

They heard footsteps edging closer and closer to the crate.

"You can't be serious?" hissed back McKay.

"How else are we going to get out?"

"Shut up and use that MENSA brain of yours."

There was a sudden rap on the on the wood above them and both McKay and Sheppard flinched in surprise. Hearing Sheppard's deep intake of breath, as though he was about to swallow his pride and speak, McKay attempted to clamp his hand over Sheppard's mouth. Unfortunately in the dark he missed, by about three inches, and managed to poke Sheppard in the eye yielding a loud yelp.

"What the hell did you do that for?"

"I wanted to stop you from talking," whispered back McKay.

"Are you sure that wasn't _seeing_?"

"Because we are all animals with night vision that can actually _see_ in the dark, aren't we?"

"You've made your point, McKay, just don't poke me again, okay?" Sheppard tilted his head to try and better hear what Kavanagh was doing above them. His heart momentarily stopped as he realized the shuddering repetitive bangs were nails being hammered into the lid of the crate. "Isn't _now_ the time to speak up?"

"And say what? We are sitting ducks? 'Shoot us please?' This is Kavanagh, for God's sake, Colonel!"

"You prefer staying in a coffin, _McKay_?"

"This isn't a coffin. Coffins you can lie down in! This is cramped and smelly, and has lots of splinters."

When the hammering finally stopped, they heard footsteps swiftly exit the room and the door close.

Now talking at normal volume, McKay's frustration was still just as evident in his heavily sarcastic tone. "What now, _Colonel_?"

Sheppard sighed. "Not exactly going to plan."

"He could keep us in here for weeks! He could come and feed us just enough to stay alive to prolong our torture. He could just leave us to starve. He could be planning to try out new experimental drugs on us right now!"

"You mean his attempt at cooking?" said Sheppard, attempting to calm down McKay's overactive imagination.

"Are you sure that is what it was? I could have sworn it was poison."

"Can you sit down, McKay? Maybe we can kick out the sides?"

There was groaning and a series of yelps.

"That would be a no," McKay said. "I can't move from the crouching position but on the plus side, I now have an ass full of splinters."

"Just the kind of thing I like to be kept informed about."

"You can't move either?"

"No," came Sheppard's response.

"We're going to get cramp soon."

"Like that is the worst of our problems?"

"It's not?" questioned McKay, a hint of fear in his voice. "I was wondering what they shipped in this crate. It has a really odd smell, maybe it was poisonous. Do you think it was poisonous?"

"No, McKay, I doubt it was poisonous," said Sheppard flatly.

"Wow, nothing is _quite_ like being stuck in here with you."

"And being stuck in here with Mr. Acerbic Wit, complete with poking fingers is precisely my idea of heaven."

"How much air is there in here? There can't be very much, it's such a small space. At least we don't have to worry about starving to death, we will suffocate first!"

"Ha-ha. You know just how to lighten the mood, don't you, McKay?"

"The air is getting thin, can't you feel it? There's no air in here. I bet there are no air holes, why would they need air holes? They weren't carrying live cargo, the chickens are coming on the next trip. Without air holes there would only be enough-"

"McKay, there is plenty of air."

"No, there is not!" said a breathless McKay.

"That's because you are hyperventilating."

"I'm not!"

"Just relax, Rodney, deep breath in, hold it, out." When the panicked breathing continued, Sheppard reached out and grabbed McKay's torso, hoping to steady and ground him. "Just breathe in and out slowly, McKay, you'll be fine."

"I was just-"

"You don't need to explain, McKay."

"I don't?"

"It's happened to the best of us at some point."

"Hyperventilating or getting stuck in a crate?" McKay snapped back breathlessly.

"Both?"

"Ha-ha."

Sheppard smiled "See? Better already."

"Yeah, like there was much chance of-"

"McKay. Talking does not help, just breathe." Feeling McKay's breathing steady, Sheppard removed his hands from around McKay's waist.

There was a sudden gasp as McKay started panicking again. McKay cautiously reached out, grasping Sheppard's hand. Sheppard didn't say a word. It wasn't something either man would want to verbally admit to, ever, but it was what McKay needed so, Sheppard just gently squeezed back.

What seemed like an eternity passed. Neither man had moved; not that they were able to move anything but their arms very far.

"I was in the cellar," McKay said suddenly.

"McKay?" Sheppard withdrew his hand and straightened up as much as he could.

"Just listen, Colonel. I was in the cellar, I must have been about 14, I'd gone down to see if I could find any alcohol, I knew my Grandma kept it down there, I'd seen it before. It was for a chess club party. We had amazing parties."

"Must admit drinking and chess are not exactly the kind of thing that went together at my school."

"Just because someone's not a jock, doesn't mean they don't get up to _normal_ teenage things. Anyway," McKay continued, "I found the bottle of whisky I was after but as I started up the stairs, I tripped; they were old wooden stairs, shook with the slightest movement on them. I looked up to see the cellar door slamming shut." McKay took a deep breath. "I was stuck down there for two days. I hadn't exactly advertised the fact I was going to steal my grandma's alcohol, and it wasn't like I'd told my parents either. It was two days before she decided to get something from the cellar."

"No wonder you don't like dark enclosed spaces," said Sheppard softly with understanding dawning on him.

"To be fair, it's more the dark than the enclosed, office blocks, basements, secret research facilities, nuclear bunkers, those I'm fine it, the dark part, not so much."

"What did your Grandma say when she found you?"

"Not much. She called my parents straight away, they had been thinking about calling the police."

"Only after two days?"

"Well two days, one night," McKay looked down, avoiding Sheppard's stare which felt on his face despite the darkness.

"What did they say? Your parents?"

McKay didn't reply. There was a distant muffled noise; in truth he wouldn't have replied anyway and was grateful for the diversion. There was a whoosh as the doors to the store room opened.

Kavanagh's smug voice could be heard directing people to the crate. "It's that one there. When I heard a yelp, I nailed the lid on so that it wouldn't escape before the containment team arrived."

Weir's voice could be heard in the background, "Stowaways? What kind of stowaways? Animals? _People?_"

"The life signs detector shows two life signs in this crate, ma'am." Major Lorne could be then heard, presumably talking on his radio. "Can you tell if their human?" "They are? Thanks, Zelenka. Lorne out." Lorne then loudly announced, "weapons at the ready, once we crowbar open the top I want you all ready to shoot to kill if they try to escape."

The sound of P-90s being armed sent shivers down McKay's spine. "Maybe we should say something?" said McKay nervously.

"Why?"

"So they don't _kill_ us?"

"We've been stuck in here for a good few hours now. I'd love to see Kavanagh trying to explain why he nailed his commanding officers inside a crate."

McKay grinned. "Good point. What are we going to say we were doing in the crate in the first place though?"

"There were no witnesses. I don't remember anything," said Sheppard with an innocent look that was lost on McKay in the darkness.

"But there- oh!" McKay continued to grin as he realized what Sheppard was saying.

There was a loud splintering noise and light flooded into the crate. Momentarily stunned as their eyes adjusted to the light they just stared blankly.

"All clear! Stand down," announced Lorne.

The P-90s that encircled the crate were swiftly lowered and Weir's footsteps could then be heard edging closer.

"Colonel? McKay? What exactly _were_ you doing inside a crate. You could have just stepped through the gate like the rest of us if you wanted to come back to Atlantis. There was no need to go to so much trouble."

McKay and Sheppard looked at each other then looked up at Weir and saw the cheeky grin on her face. She offered out both arms to the still crouching men, they gratefully accepted.

As he stepped out of the crate, McKay tried to straighten himself up but yelped instead. "Ow ow ow ow OW!."

"What is it?" asked Sheppard.

"Cramp, ow ow ow, and splinters too."

As Sheppard tried to haul himself to his feet, he was surprised to find himself crumpling back in a heap in the crate. "Huh!" He prodded his feet and ankles, surprised to find them completely numb.

"Are you okay?" asked Weir.

"Err, yeah, they've just gone numb. Give it a minute and they'll be fine." Hearing McKay's continued whining Sheppard looked up at him. "Splinters are nothing you can't handle I'm sure, McKay."

"No need for me to get Beckett then?" asked Weir.

"Best be on the safe side," said McKay forcefully.

"He'll be in the infirmary when you're ready," she replied.

"But I have an ass full of splinters!" McKay exclaimed rather too loudly. The number of heads that turned around to stare at him confirmed that. Lowering his voice, he added, "I'm in no state to be walking anywhere."

"What exactly were you up to in the crate?" said Zelenka walking over with a feigned looked of innocence on his face.

"Nothing that your dirty imagination is fabricating," said McKay with a dry smile.

Zelenka smirked, leaning over he whispered into McKay's ear. "Good work with the timed lighting delay. Hard to interface that with the ancient technology so precisely."

McKay grinned. "It was good if I do say so myself."

"Pity the rest of the plan didn't go so well," added Sheppard who had by now regained feeling, all be it pins and needles type feelings in his legs, and hobbled over to where McKay and Zelenka were standing.

"I'm not sure it didn't," said Zelenka gesturing to the other side of the room. McKay and Sheppard turned to see Kavanagh throwing his arms up in the air as he tried to explain how he had imprisoned his Sheppard and McKay. Whatever he said Weir just cocked her head to one side waiting for the truth.

McKay and Sheppard turned to each other and grinned.

"Mission accomplished," said Sheppard.

McKay gave Sheppard an even bigger grin. "Even if it wasn't quite how we planned it."


	2. Epilogue

**Epilogue **

With the debriefing over the meeting room was now empty apart from McKay and Sheppard, McKay walked over to where Sheppard was gathering up his things.

"I just wanted to say thanks," said McKay quietly, he looked up at Sheppard, his eyes full of sincerity. Reaching out he gently took a hold of Sheppard's hand and gave it a squeeze, "thanks."

Sheppard was left speechless by McKay's action, but now knew what listening and being there had meant to him. Sheppard gave McKay's hand a gentle squeeze back before they went their separate ways never to speak of either incident ever again. Macho pride wouldn't allow it but it was more that their friendship didn't require it; they both already knew the depth of trust and compassion there.

Fin.


End file.
